Unstuck

A couple of days ago I unstuck myself, I've been stagnant for months waiting for a shift in energy. When we sold my parents' house, I kept a lot of their furniture to replace the mish mash I'd collected over the years.  There were also books and belongings that my sister and I wanted to keep, and then on top of that boxes of things that we didn't have time to sort. We underestimated how long the pack up would take and as a result my sister and I have both absorbed boxes, furniture and appliances into our homes. I've had the boxes and furniture, in almost every room including the front hallway and I've been oscillating around where to start. Until a few days ago I couldn't see the way to fit things in but finally something shifted in my head, and I unstuck myself. I started to see the solutions and find a way forward.

I'm not sure if it was the David Kessler grief webinar or his book that I'm listening to on audible, or it could be the Jenna Kutcher Pinterest marketing program I just signed up for. One or maybe all these things propelled me forward.

The night before last I rearranged my bedroom and it's starting to look like the sanctuary I'd envisaged. And then then last night I tackled my art room. I reassembled the Ikea sewing desk my parents bought me when I was a teen and subsequently became mums' office desk and now here it is back as my sewing desk. There was a lot of mowing things around but I'm finally starting to see pockets of space reappear.  It's far from perfect but it's a start. 

Slowly I'm starting to get my motivation back, I'm seeing the possibilities again and there's a sense of urgency to get going. I need to make some changes and move away from the 9-5 work environment. It's time to create my world the way that I want it.

The grief is still there, the sense of loss I feel for my Dad and Charlie is huge. David Kessler says that the grief doesn't get smaller we just have to learn to get bigger. These same words were echoed in a video I saw of Robert F Kennedy Jr talking about the losses in his life. He said, "while our grief would never get smaller, our job was to build ourselves bigger around it". 

I'm working on the getting bigger and I'm working on finding the pieces of me that got pushed to the side last year. My current reality still has me in 2nd place to the people who need me but I'm gradually working towards carving my own space in amongst this reality.

Little by little I'm starting to find my way forward. For now I'm unstuck and that's a big step in the right direction.

Lib x

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

Hesitant

 

Last night we sat and watched the Magpies in my friends backyard. They've gotten to know us and come right up to our feet to feed on the seed we scatter for them. Magpies have good facial recall and long memories, which is a contrast to my friends slowly declining memory. I find it interesting that the magpies presence is increasing during this time.

My friends facial recognition still appears to be ok with people he sees frequently. He's starting to recognise his friends from the day centre when he's with them. If I talk about them he has no clue who they are but as soon as he sees them he knows the face, he may not remember exactly who they are but the face is familiar. 

A week ago we had our quarterly appointment with the Geriatrician. After many questions regarding my friends progress she turned to me and said that I needed to take a break from my carer responsibilities. She told me that the #1 reason that people end up in aged care is carer burnout. She turned to my friend and said that sometime in the near future I needed to have a holiday away from him. He agreed but I don't believe he fully understands what it means.

I'm hesitant to take a break, the thought terrifies me. At this moment in time it's actually impossible, there's no one to step in. Maybe later his family will be able to help. But always in the back of my mind is the thought that if I'm not present everyday he may forget me. It's probably irrational, we've been a constant in each others lives for 29 years, but the fear is still there. 

There's also another side to this, I don't want to miss a second of all the happy moments. We have a lot of laughs together, his dry sense of humour matches mine. I want to stay present because I know all to well one day I'll be left with only my memories. The last few years I spent with my Dad and Charlie taught me that I have to savour the moments. 

I understand what she is saying about carer burnout, I've been at the brink a few times in the last 6 months, but with no other options I call on my inner resilience and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have no choice but to be a superwoman and I want to be superwoman, I don't want to miss a day. 

I'll think about what she said, but for now I remain hesitant. 

Lib x

Wiping the Slate

 Originally this post was the introduction to 'Apron Strings" on Feb 1st. But I've since realised it is very much a separate post and requires it's own space.

Inevitably at some point dementia wipes the slate clean, sometimes for a few minutes other times longer.  All of this is the precursor to the dreaded day that memory is  gone for good.

I'd experienced it once before a few months ago when I called in at lunchtime to tell my friend the cleaner was coming. He was terse with me, like I stood before him accused of a wrong doing that neither of us knew was about. I asked him what I'd done wrong and he said he couldn't say anything until the lawyers got there! I replied that I was just there to tell him about the cleaner and left. I left in a flood of tears that he never saw, I was worried that he'd forgotten our friendship and was now seeing me as the  devil! It was a shock and a heartbreak combined. The grief of losing my Dad and my dog had left me less resilient. 

But I'd forgotten that it passes, I just had to wait for the switch to flip and all would be ok. And it was, I found that out quickly when the cleaner couldn’t work out how to get in and he wasn't answering her. She made me go back there, because she was from a care agency legally, she couldn’t  leave until she knew he was safe. I gingerly opened the back door and called out a few times, and he appeared and spoke to me like there was never an issue. I left and cried in relief. 

Today I had a phone call where it was clear that the slate hadn't just been wiped, it was momentarily obliterated. I'd been there earlier in the day, I'd taken him a coffee and we'd sat outside talking for a while. A few hours later I get a call all very formal announcing his full name and that he'd been in the house, which he's told is his, for months and no one had been near him. He has no money and he's not even receiving any bills. I said I'd been with him earlier, he replied "well I didn't see you". I said I brought you a cup of coffee. He moved on to say he's not having a go at me. I was in the next town, so I tell him I'm heading home soon and I'll come past and see him and we'll talk. He's happy with that.

Less than 2 minutes later the phone rings again and we have the same conversation. Except this time new information has been added to the situation he's experiencing. I tell him that I'll be there soon and will look into all of it for him. Then we chat about the birds chirping in the back ground. 

By the time I got to his house all was well again. I stayed for a while and got him dinner. He was as cheery as he was when I left him in earlier in the day. 

Moments like these are stressful, particularly when I'm a distance away. My immediate reaction is to fix it. But often with dementia you have to allow time for these moments to fix themselves.

Brave

 

Tonight, Charlie has been in my thoughts, she is most of the time. But some moments the grief hits harder and I'm transported back to the days around her passing. 

A couple of days after we gave Charlie her wings I had to go back to work. One of my colleagues walked in, gave me a hug and said that I did a brave thing...

I've thought about this a few times and tonight I'm pondering the thought that although letting go was brave, opening myself up to love in the first place was also brave. 

Which leads me to think that we often don't realise how brave we all truly are. So many things we do in life are brave. It's the moment that you step outside of your comfort zone and do something that has some level of risk attached. When the heart is involved, grief is always the risk or the inevitable end point. The two are inextricably linked. 

There is no measure of brave as much as there is no real measure of a lot of things that are unique to an individual based on their own life experience. Which leads me back to my earlier thought that we often don't realise how brave we are. And if we could recognise our own bravery, we could be brave again. 

A couple of years ago I had to make some tough decisions that had the potential to significantly affect my life as I knew it. At the end when I looked back, I realised that I could actually do hard things. It's easy to forget that sometimes but it appears that Charlie is giving me a gentle reminder of that tonight.

Charlie taught me a lot in her 16 years, and it appears she still is.

Lib x

It's OK, It's all going to be OK

Dad always wanted to know how I was, what was happening at work, with my dog, my friend. In my younger years I hid when things were going wrong. I suffered from anxiety and depression and I never wanted to worry either of my parents. But they always intuitively knew that I struggled. But as I got older I opened up a little, age taught me that I could talk to them about some of life’s struggles. But those confessions were always ended with the statement “it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok”. I caught myself saying this to him one day in the weeks before he passed. And I realised that it was a regular statement and I looked at him and said “it will, all be ok”

 

I thought about why I always say this and it’s not to be flippant, or cover my pain, I admit at times it was to soften things so that he wouldn’t worry. But mostly I believe that everything always works out to our highest good. It’s a personal “I’ve got this” and a further recognition that there is absolutely no point getting stuck in the middle of worry. When we let go and surrender the answer or resolution usually comes.

 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learnt the power of surrender of handing the challenge over to a higher power. When we release, we allow the answers to reveal themselves. When we hold tight and worry, we obscure the answers from our vision because the problem is blocking the view.

 

And now as I walk thru my grief, I know that even in my darkest moments that it will, all be ok. I will get thru it and all though grief will always be there it won’t conquer me. You’ve just got to let it wash through and over you.

 

And none of this is to say that you shouldn’t feel things as they happen, never disregard your feelings, it’s ok to experience them. Just don’t get stuck.

 

My Dad knew that I was the eternal optimist for a reason. I’d had dark days in the past and I’d survived to see the sunlight. The sun always comes up, it will all be ok.

Lib x

Photo by Alice Donovan Rouse on Unsplash

Apron Strings

Tonight I feel like a nervous mum on the night before her child’s first day of school. I haven’t had children so I can only imagine that this is what it feels like. Tomorrow my friend goes for his first day at a Day Centre. It’s a day centre for Seniors organised by the care agency that provides his home support.

His daughter and I took him there for a visit last week and he melted into it. He was again amongst his peers chatting and drinking coffee. This week he’ll be there for 4hrs; he’ll be picked up and dropped off by their bus. I’m nervous about the drop off at the end, I won’t be around, my fears are probably unfounded so I will just need to have a little faith.

I will be there to wave goodbye and send him on his way. And I’ll get to spend some quality time with his doggie. I could leave her on her own, but I quite enjoy the idea of taking her for a walk or bringing her to my house for a bit. At some point she’ll need to start getting used to it being me and her. When the time comes for him to be in full time care, she’ll live with me.

I feel like I'm cutting the apron strings, giving him back a little of much needed independence. It's important to facilitate that while we can. I'm responsible for him and it's a weight that is at times heavy. I need to let go a little sometimes and let others carry it for a short while. That's what the day centre is there for, it's a little respite for me for a few hours.

I'm beginning to understand carer stress and why when we went to the geriatrician and when we met with the care agency nurse that I was handed a survey about my stress levels on both occasions. I dare say that after the last few weeks my score would be a little higher than before.

I'm not sure that I'm meant to be carrying so much responsibility, but I am and it's because this particular human being is so damn important to me. And we step up for our friends when they need us.

Taxidermy

 My friend called me at 7pm, distraught, a pigeon had been hit by a car and killed. He was wondering if we could send it to a person who brings them kind of back to life. A taxidermist? Yes that's the word.

I didn't have my creative brain on as it was the very last conversation I was ever expecting to have. I said we didn’t know a taxidermist and I suggested that he leave it beside the road for the shire to collect in the morning. He was worrying a cat would get it. 

I asked him where it was and he said in the kitchen and then said he'd talk to me later and hung up. 

I kicked myself a little for once again being a virgo and trying to logic the situation when creativity was required. 

It was one of those moments where I was confronted with the fact that I can't avoid the situation that I really don't want to be dealing with. But there's no one else, I have to step up and be the grown up. I also have to lie, I need to invent a local taxidermist, maybe one who lives by my work. It's in these moments that I wished his family was nearer and the I wasn't the one who would have to deal with it. But I can't sit with that frustration, I have to move beyond it, it's not serving anyone or anything.

I'm also hit with grief because before dementia he would have been the one that I had called on to deal with these sorts of things. The person that I used to rely on in tough moments, but that layer of who he was is gone.  

I'll call him in a little while.... maybe the 'switch may have flipped' and he has  put it in the bin, buried it. If not before I go to bed I'll be jumping in the car to fetch the bird and dispose of it all whilst maintaining the story of the taxidermist. 

Wish me luck

Update:

I called him, he was about to go to bed. I asked him about the bird, he was having trouble remembering it. I said I'd found a taxidermist who lives near my work, would he like me to pick the bird up and drop it to the taxidermist in the morning. He agreed. 

The deceased pigeon was wrapped up in a bathmat on the kitchen sink. I'm glad I went, lord knows where the rolled up bathmat would have landed in the morning and he'd never be able to tell me where the bird went. We wouldn't have found it until there was a terrible smell. The cleaner due tomorrow will never know how much she should thank me!

We unwrapped the bird and put it in a paper bag. The bath mat is in the wash as I type and I've disposed of the bird. My friend won't remember in the morning, if he does the memory will be gone by the following day. I'll never have to produce a taxidermy bird. 

I cried all the way home, I cried because I lied, I cried because of where alzheimers finds us and I cried because he was so sad about the bird and what had happened to it. 

Grief is hitting hard tonight and I wish it wasn't so late because there's no one to talk to

Letting go of the 'By Line'

The 'By Line' in a newspaper or magazine is the first line under the title where the writer is credited. In life the 'by line' is the internal notation of a gift, an act of kindness, an achievement, anything in life where it is recalled that you or someone else did something. 

A couple of days ago I realised that dementia was asking me to let go one of my own 'by lines'. You may recall from my last post that I had recently hung 2 bird feeders in my friends tree and that a few days later he'd forgotten it was me who did it. It was during bird hour when he mentioned that he loved the plates hanging from the tree and perhaps we should buy the lady who hung them flowers and chocolates to say thank you. I mentioned again it was me but he could see no correlation between the image in his head and me sitting in front of him. It was at that moment that I realised that I had to let go of my 'by line' and let him give credit to the strange woman who entered the yard, hung them and then disappeared. As long as the woman is not perceived as a threat or scary it's ok for him to believe that it was someone else who did it. 

People with Dementia live in a kind of parallel universe where things can be very different to our reality. By challenging their version of events it can be very scary to them, we would feel much the same if our interpretation of reality was challenged and we were being told we had imagined something knowing that it was real. Their reality is as real to them as ours is to us. 

In Patti Davis' book 'Floating in the Deepend' she quotes a from  'A Course in Miracles' : "Do you want to be right or have peace" 

You can be right and deal with the upset it causes when you challenge their reality or you can let go of the need to correct and have peace. After all the peace and happiness of my friend is far more important than my need to have the credit for doing something.

The first time I'd encountered this was 18 months ago after I took control of his diet. It was pre diagnosis and I was watching him go into decline consuming highly processed foods full of additives. At that point we weren't far into the journey and I believed I could reverse whatever it was with diet. I started doing his shopping and ordered healthy meals from a subscription service. We got him a new fridge and a microwave. I'd also spent a little time explaining the change in diet and how processed meats in particular salami were unhealthy for his brain. A couple of days later he was a bit angry and started talking about the woman who'd been coming in to prepare his meals, she'd been doing it for years, she presses buttons and makes the food. He was angry because she'd told him that he couldn't have salami anymore. I tried to tell him it was me getting the food and that salami was a "sometimes" food not never again. A couple of days in I had to let it go and change the subject. And then it passed. The change in diet did help, it reversed and slowed some of the progress of what we now know is alzheimers. 

So the new normal for me now is to listen to his stories and not dispute them, in the books I've been the reading they say to go with the flow and even get a little creative. As long as they are happy and feel safe it's all fine. And if I listen closely enough and ask questions there may be a good book in the making.

I have no doubt that there will be many more "by lines" that I will need to let go of. But I feel like this whole experience is giving me the gift of presence and also teaching me that credit is not always required, an act of kindness does not require notoriety no matter how small the audience. And that my sense of self does not depend on recognition or gratification. Not that it ever outwardly did, I've always been a bit more 'secret squirrel' But we do all at some level have a desire for recognition. I've spoken before how dementia peels back the layers of the person afflicted with it and I'm beginning to feel that it does the same for the carer. It teaches us what is important and discards the things that may have made us felt good but were never the true path to happiness.

Birds and Things

Most afternoons we sit on his back porch watching the birds in the trees along his fence. It's summer here and as the day cools the little birds flock to his trees to catch some bugs and play for a while. It's the same time everyday, generally between 6 and 6.30pm, that they begin to appear. Blue Wrens, Yellow Wing Honey Eaters, Green Honey Eaters, Silver Eyes, Swallows and Willy Wag Tails, all congregate like kids in a multicultural school yard. Occasionally the big kids, the Green Parrots or  Pink and Grey Galahs join them. They sit and joyfully chirp in a leafless Buddlea tree that is slowly coming back to life. We watch them dart around and catch bugs on the wing. Bird hour is an event and he's always lined up waiting for it

The conversation with my friend is always similar, always on repeat over the course of the 45 mins that we spectate the wonders of nature

" wow there are so many birds"

" did you see that one" 

" I think that was a Hawk"

" I'm glad we kept that tree. We can't ever cut it down" 

I wonder what he thinks about on the evenings I'm unable to join him.

Recently there's a new comment.... A week ago I hung 2 bird feeders from the tree, one for water the other for seed. The birds are slowly becoming accustomed to them. But my friend has forgotten who hung them other than it was a young lady who did it. I tell him it was me but his brain is no longer connecting the images. 

I've started taking photos to capture the moments for later when it will be something to talk about, a story to tell him even if he doesn't remember. 

I'm learning to slow down and stop and share the moments with him. They will be gone all too soon. 

I don't normally wear sunglasses.

“I don’t normally wear sunglasses, occasionally I do on a bright sunny day when I need to see the road. Although today is sunny I can see the road without them. But today is a bit different… today is the day that we moved the furniture out of my parents’ house. After mum went into care with dad it triggered the need to pay aged care deposits and to do so we had to sell the house. In Australia when your an aged pensioner and you own your home there's no way around it. What I wasn’t counting on was dad passing away so soon after mum went in.  And there I was thinking we’d have a glorious time packing up the house with dad to tell us what was what, and it wouldn’t be so painful because they were both still with us. But now dads not here and it adds a whole new dimension to the experience.

 

Up until now it’s been not too bad, we sold the house really quickly; it didn’t even make it to market properly because it sold the same day the agent took photos for the listing. So that part was easy, we had to pack up a little for that but now the rest has to be packed and moved. And then this week we’ve been thru the garage and popped all dad’s tools to one side because we needed to clear so that the removalists could move some of the furniture in the garage. And then last night after we finished in the garage, we went inside to empty out some furniture and I started packing up dads desk, and I know others would experience this losing family suddenly, but it’s like he just got up and left the room. He’d left the house in an ambulance in late April and he never got to come back, we'd talked about it but it never happened. There were bits and pieces there that I know if he’d had the time to do it himself it would have all been neatly packed away. He would have sorted through things. But there I am just putting it all into boxes carefully separating the contents from each drawer, trying to preserve a memory of him and how he left it. He’d had that desk for as long as I can remember. I was feeling anxious and like I was going to throw up because what I really wanted to do was cry.

 

And then today the movers put everything in the truck and started driving towards our houses ½ an hour away and I’d just started following the truck down the road and it hit me. It really is the beginning of the close of a chapter. It’s the final pages where the story is rounding out. My house is now full of my parents’ furniture, it replaces the hodge podge I had before. And as I drive it's eleven weeks since dad passed and 3 weeks since Charlie passed and I’m not hanging onto the loss of hopes and dreams, it’s like the end of series of books there’s nothing else to write the story is done.  They’ve both ran the entire marathon. But I keep thinking that Charlie would have loved mum and dads furniture in our house she would have loved their familiar smells… Grief sucks, it’s so tough. The tears are flowing while I drive.

 

So I’ve got my sunnies on and I’m headed back to the house. In a couple of weeks, we’ll close the door for the last time.

I don’t normally wear sunnies but today I’m hiding my grief.”

 

 

I recorded those words on a voice message on my phone on the 8th November. 2 ½ weeks have passed. We finished packing up and cleaned the house ready for the new owners. We handed the keys over a week ago. Between when I recorded my thoughts until now there have been many tears.

 

It’s strange having no more house to worry about. Dad’s goldfish from his pond are in a pond in my back yard. I was never able to get a water lily out of his pond. There are some things we had to say goodbye to because they couldn’t be moved.

 

And now I have some time back, since April all my spare time had been consumed by my parents, Charlie and my best friend with dementia. Now there’s just mum and my best friend. Now there’s time to notice what’s not, who’s not there. I have more time for my grief…..I’m fine when I’m at work, I’m fully distracted but when I’m home on my own, now I have more time at home, I’m missing Charlie. It’s hitting much harder now. On the days when I get to come home straight after work anxiety sets in at about 4.30. I’m doing my best to sit with my feelings to allow them to be. It can’t be avoided; I’ll have to deal with them sooner or later so it may as well be now.

 

Today I took mum to the optometrist and while I was waiting for her I stepped into a bookshop and in there I found 2 great books on grief. But I had to put them down, even the thought of reading them made me aware of the fact that my brain felt full, overwhelmed like I couldn’t process what was inside the cover of each book. And then I realised that I feel like this a lot, completely overwhelmed and unable to absorb much more. Most days I’m walking around feeling distraught on the inside and I have no idea when and if this will pass.

 

I keep trying to put a description to the year, I can’t say it’s been a terrible or even tragic year because everything that has happened has just been a part of life and aging. I could say it’s been a difficult year, at times overwhelming. But the best description is that it’s been a year of grief.

 

The loss of my dad, and my pet, of my life as i knew it, and the slow loss of my friend to dementia. Everything has changed and I’m not sure that I’m on board with all of this adulting that I’ve had to do lately.

 

I crave a day where I have absolutely nothing to do and I can just sit with how I’m feeling, no distractions. But knowing my self all too well I know that even if the opportunity did arise, I’d find something that needed doing. So I also crave a day with the perfect set of circumstances to sit with my feelings that also comes with it the awareness that I need to stop and seize the moment. Will it help who knows, but I guess it’s just my brain needing silence from the overwhelm.

Lib x

Walking Thru The Tunnel

 She's gone.... Charlie, my girl who I often described as 'natures little wonder on 4 legs' has earned her wings. Outside in the sunshine on my parents back lawn we said goodbye. She turned 16 in August and a little over 2 weeks ago on the 18th October I let her go. My dear sweet girl had begun to struggle, her arthritis left her unable to get up on her own and there was an issue with her bladder. She was everything to me and I didn't want her to suffer.

Just 8 weeks before this my dear Dad passed away and I imagined him there waiting for her. They had a special relationship, she was always in awe of him. When ever she saw him her tail and bottom would wag and she'd wimper with glee. 

I recently heard someone say 'grief is a tunnel' and I find myself ever so slowly moving thru it. I've known grief before and tangled up with it there's always been the loss of hopes and dreams. I find myself in an unusual space which defies the many conversations on grief that I've come across that include the loss of hopes and dreams. Both my Dad and my Charlie girl had very long lives, my Dad had just turned 96. They both run the full marathon there were no hopes and dreams for the future, we'd been in bonus days with both of them for quiet a while. I'm at peace with their passing.

My grief is quite simply the loss of them no longer being here. I miss them, that's all. I just miss them, I miss what they each brought to my life on a daily basis. I miss the smiles, the hugs, the cuddles, Charlie snoring, dad's dry sense of humour.......I miss their earthly energy and the space that they filled up.

I can still however dissolve into tears at any moment. The thought that I wont see them again in their earthly forms shatters me. The space they each left is huge. I've developed a coping strategy for this, which I learnt from my doggie loves and it's the reason why they are so forgiving. Dogs lack the part of the brain that allows them to attach a story to an event. So when I apply this I can think or say they've passed away and as long as I don't attach the story that makes me sad I can get through. Having said that when I'm home alone or in the car I allow myself to attach the story so that I can allow my grief.

My house is so quiet without Charlie, I keep catching myself waiting to hear her make a noise. The last few months she'd been spending a lot of time in my bedroom, she'd always slept in there and when she could still jump would wait on the bed for me most of the day. But as her arthritis progressed and she could no longer jump I made her a bed out of stacked doonas beside my bed and from there she would summon me if she wanted food or wanted help to get up and go outside. It was from there I would hear her bark as I came in the door from work. Now there's only silence. 

On my parents back lawn as I spent my last sweet moments with her I looked at the sky. On the tail end of a long cloud there was a shape that resembled a dog frolicking in the sky, a few moments later Charlies vet walked out the back door and it was time to start saying my final goodbye. My girl went quickly she was ready and ... she snored....it was like she was saying "I'm just going to sleep mum" 

Her doonas are folded up under the window, one of her blankets, her pillow and her favourite toys are on top. There's also the envelope that holds a card from her vet and some paw prints and a lock of her hair. And in the back corner is the bag from the crematorium that inside has the wooden box containing her ashes. I'm not ready to put her bed completely away. It will stay there until I can work it all out..... I'm only at the start of the tunnel.

edit

I woke up this morning after writing this post late last night and realised there was one thing still to say..... 

I have so much gratitude theirs,  were 2 lives well lived and well loved. I'm grateful they were both here as long as they were. For the last year I often used to thank Charlie for choosing to be with me another day. It was a joy to be with them for as long as I was, so many years of love ❤️ 

I haven’t spoken much about Dad here or on my social media, he was a very private person. I feel like I need to honour that for now xxx