It's OK, It's all going to be OK

Dad always wanted to know how I was, what was happening at work, with my dog, my friend. In my younger years I hid when things were going wrong. I suffered from anxiety and depression and I never wanted to worry either of my parents. But they always intuitively knew that I struggled. But as I got older I opened up a little, age taught me that I could talk to them about some of life’s struggles. But those confessions were always ended with the statement “it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok”. I caught myself saying this to him one day in the weeks before he passed. And I realised that it was a regular statement and I looked at him and said “it will, all be ok”

 

I thought about why I always say this and it’s not to be flippant, or cover my pain, I admit at times it was to soften things so that he wouldn’t worry. But mostly I believe that everything always works out to our highest good. It’s a personal “I’ve got this” and a further recognition that there is absolutely no point getting stuck in the middle of worry. When we let go and surrender the answer or resolution usually comes.

 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learnt the power of surrender of handing the challenge over to a higher power. When we release, we allow the answers to reveal themselves. When we hold tight and worry, we obscure the answers from our vision because the problem is blocking the view.

 

And now as I walk thru my grief, I know that even in my darkest moments that it will, all be ok. I will get thru it and all though grief will always be there it won’t conquer me. You’ve just got to let it wash through and over you.

 

And none of this is to say that you shouldn’t feel things as they happen, never disregard your feelings, it’s ok to experience them. Just don’t get stuck.

 

My Dad knew that I was the eternal optimist for a reason. I’d had dark days in the past and I’d survived to see the sunlight. The sun always comes up, it will all be ok.

Lib x

Photo by Alice Donovan Rouse on Unsplash

I don't normally wear sunglasses.

“I don’t normally wear sunglasses, occasionally I do on a bright sunny day when I need to see the road. Although today is sunny I can see the road without them. But today is a bit different… today is the day that we moved the furniture out of my parents’ house. After mum went into care with dad it triggered the need to pay aged care deposits and to do so we had to sell the house. In Australia when your an aged pensioner and you own your home there's no way around it. What I wasn’t counting on was dad passing away so soon after mum went in.  And there I was thinking we’d have a glorious time packing up the house with dad to tell us what was what, and it wouldn’t be so painful because they were both still with us. But now dads not here and it adds a whole new dimension to the experience.

 

Up until now it’s been not too bad, we sold the house really quickly; it didn’t even make it to market properly because it sold the same day the agent took photos for the listing. So that part was easy, we had to pack up a little for that but now the rest has to be packed and moved. And then this week we’ve been thru the garage and popped all dad’s tools to one side because we needed to clear so that the removalists could move some of the furniture in the garage. And then last night after we finished in the garage, we went inside to empty out some furniture and I started packing up dads desk, and I know others would experience this losing family suddenly, but it’s like he just got up and left the room. He’d left the house in an ambulance in late April and he never got to come back, we'd talked about it but it never happened. There were bits and pieces there that I know if he’d had the time to do it himself it would have all been neatly packed away. He would have sorted through things. But there I am just putting it all into boxes carefully separating the contents from each drawer, trying to preserve a memory of him and how he left it. He’d had that desk for as long as I can remember. I was feeling anxious and like I was going to throw up because what I really wanted to do was cry.

 

And then today the movers put everything in the truck and started driving towards our houses ½ an hour away and I’d just started following the truck down the road and it hit me. It really is the beginning of the close of a chapter. It’s the final pages where the story is rounding out. My house is now full of my parents’ furniture, it replaces the hodge podge I had before. And as I drive it's eleven weeks since dad passed and 3 weeks since Charlie passed and I’m not hanging onto the loss of hopes and dreams, it’s like the end of series of books there’s nothing else to write the story is done.  They’ve both ran the entire marathon. But I keep thinking that Charlie would have loved mum and dads furniture in our house she would have loved their familiar smells… Grief sucks, it’s so tough. The tears are flowing while I drive.

 

So I’ve got my sunnies on and I’m headed back to the house. In a couple of weeks, we’ll close the door for the last time.

I don’t normally wear sunnies but today I’m hiding my grief.”

 

 

I recorded those words on a voice message on my phone on the 8th November. 2 ½ weeks have passed. We finished packing up and cleaned the house ready for the new owners. We handed the keys over a week ago. Between when I recorded my thoughts until now there have been many tears.

 

It’s strange having no more house to worry about. Dad’s goldfish from his pond are in a pond in my back yard. I was never able to get a water lily out of his pond. There are some things we had to say goodbye to because they couldn’t be moved.

 

And now I have some time back, since April all my spare time had been consumed by my parents, Charlie and my best friend with dementia. Now there’s just mum and my best friend. Now there’s time to notice what’s not, who’s not there. I have more time for my grief…..I’m fine when I’m at work, I’m fully distracted but when I’m home on my own, now I have more time at home, I’m missing Charlie. It’s hitting much harder now. On the days when I get to come home straight after work anxiety sets in at about 4.30. I’m doing my best to sit with my feelings to allow them to be. It can’t be avoided; I’ll have to deal with them sooner or later so it may as well be now.

 

Today I took mum to the optometrist and while I was waiting for her I stepped into a bookshop and in there I found 2 great books on grief. But I had to put them down, even the thought of reading them made me aware of the fact that my brain felt full, overwhelmed like I couldn’t process what was inside the cover of each book. And then I realised that I feel like this a lot, completely overwhelmed and unable to absorb much more. Most days I’m walking around feeling distraught on the inside and I have no idea when and if this will pass.

 

I keep trying to put a description to the year, I can’t say it’s been a terrible or even tragic year because everything that has happened has just been a part of life and aging. I could say it’s been a difficult year, at times overwhelming. But the best description is that it’s been a year of grief.

 

The loss of my dad, and my pet, of my life as i knew it, and the slow loss of my friend to dementia. Everything has changed and I’m not sure that I’m on board with all of this adulting that I’ve had to do lately.

 

I crave a day where I have absolutely nothing to do and I can just sit with how I’m feeling, no distractions. But knowing my self all too well I know that even if the opportunity did arise, I’d find something that needed doing. So I also crave a day with the perfect set of circumstances to sit with my feelings that also comes with it the awareness that I need to stop and seize the moment. Will it help who knows, but I guess it’s just my brain needing silence from the overwhelm.

Lib x

On Being Mindful

I wrote this post in 2013 and I've just realised that it was still sitting in my drafts. So in the spirit of all or nothing I'm now giving you my 3rd post of the day. I thought it time that this one finally has it's moment in the sun. I've mostly healed my anxiety now it just rears its head in moments of extreme stress. But for those who aren't quite there yet this one is for you ❤️

I first heard the term mindfulness a couple of years ago when my friend Jane sent me a book by comedian Ruby Wax. The timing was interesting as I'd just finished a 10 week online course in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy thru Mindspot. Ruby's book 'Sane New World' helps us understand "why we sabotage our sanity, how our brains work and how we can rewire our thinking-often thru simple mindfulness techniques"

It's a humorous journey thru her own experiences and offers some interesting insights and helpful mindfulness based cognitive behavioral techniques to overcome anxiety.

Like many people I thought mindfulness was about Buddhism, but it actually ties in beautifully with cognitive behavioral therapy 

In my own journey my light bulb moment after a lifetime of panic attacks was a counselors simple explanation of the cycle of a panic attack on a white board. I'd seen it and read it before but it didn't click. It must have been the way it was worded or that at that moment I was open to hear it, but something gelled. Those few words gave me the ability to take control. Once I became consciously aware of what was happening I had the ability to recognize the  start of the cycle and change the outcome. I'd struggled for years yet that one moment changed everything. I still experience  anxiety in varying degrees but the run for the hills, I'm a screaming mess, kind of attacks are mostly a distant memory. Mindfulness is fabulous in teaching us how to do this.


There is so much in Ruby's book that anyone who has experienced anxiety can relate to. For a taste of what's in it check out her TED talk below

 

Ruby Wax TED talk 2012

Mindfulness can be practiced easily in everyday life, it's not just the breathing exercises we imagine it to be. My own mindfulness practice can be found in drawing, being creative in the kitchen and pottering in my garden. It's those moments when I am fully present in my task. I'm a doodler and my patterns and mandalas are very much a meditation. I find traditional meditation tedious if it's longer than 10 minutes but doodling I can do for hours.

 


Useful resources within Australia :

Mindspot

ADAVIC
Beyond Blue

**Mindspot is an Australian organistion available to Australian residents. If you live outside of Australia please contact the Mental Health Services in your location for assistance. ADAVIC and Beyond Blue both have some useful online resources that may be of assistance if you are outside of Australia** 

Learning to Breathe

Oh my! It's been a while since I've written anything here. Some serious time out was required. My thoughts over the last months have been expressed in lines and squiggles in my drawing book. Perhaps sometime soon I'll share some of my crazy scribbles with you. 

I came here to see if I could be inspired to write something and I found this post below that I'd written over 6 months ago sitting in my drafts. It's time to share it with you, hope you like it ....

There are so many stresses and anxieties in this life that consume our thoughts that sometimes we simply forget to breathe. It's like 'holding your breath' while your waiting for an outcome to play out in the physical world.
Often when I'm upset or worrying about things, waiting for the outcome, I do this. I'll often catch myself holding my breath or shallow breathing

I've been learning about mindfulness and putting it into practice in my life is teaching me to stop, be in the present and breathe. I'm starting to recognize these moments when I'm 'holding my breath' and when I do I'm pausing to breathe. Taking time to fill my lungs with air.

Breathe in the good stuff... exhale the bad stuff 
Breathe in the healing ...... breathe out the immune suppressing, aging, cancer causing worry. 

It's little wonder that people who meditate and practice yoga or tai chi often appear to be younger and healthier beyond their years.... they simply spend a lot of time actually breathing. And in doing so they relax their mind and body and all the good stuff follows.

It's something that I just randomly noticed one day recently, a mini epiphany of sorts. I'd noticed it in the past but the thought was fleeting and I never did anything about it. Being older and a little wiser I'm taking time to notice.

I'm taking time to be present and breathe......... 

photo by Dingzeyu Li courtesy of unsplash.com

Being Mindful

This is my third attempt at writing this post. It started out somewhat differently because I've been thinking aloud as I tap away on my laptop trying to get to what I wanted to say and I have no doubt that it will evolve and change as I write. You see things have happened recently, 'life has happened' and it led me to the following thoughts.

Sometimes things happen in life and you get dragged along in the tide unable to change what's about to unfold. There's no point in 'what ifs' or 'what you could have done' because it will all ultimately happen as it is meant to happen. You simply have to sit back and let it!


The difficult part is to allow even the painful things in life to unfold without resistance and somehow in the process find some peace by being able to shut out the internal chatter that ultimately causes anxiety. The kind of chatter that defeats you.

In the last couple of years I've been exploring the practice of mindfulness and I have been finding it really helpful to shut out the internal chatter and find a peaceful place within.

I'm constantly on a journey with this, but I find as I get older and the more I learn it's easier to be mindful and find a peaceful place in the middle of my thoughts, even if just for a few minutes. 

It's essentially about being present, in the 'now', finding a moment to breathe and that being all there is in that moment. Just focusing on the sensation of breathing. When you focus on your breathing its easier to shut out the noise of your thoughts. 

It's a practice that also helps you be aware of the internal chatter because we are so used to it simply being there and we dont realise that we don't need to listen to all of it. Mindfulness teaches you to not only quiet your thoughts but enables you to choose which ones you want to listen to. And it enables those of us who suffer from anxiety to identify it and and avoid the descent into the pit.


In my quest I've found that there are so many amazing resources online for this including countless guided meditations on YouTube. As well as lots of articles and great books. There's loads of practical exercises you can do too, but ones others find great don't really do it for me, they're not my thing. I kind of like to keep these things simple and uncomplicated otherwise I lose interest!. A while back I found a 10 minute Guided Meditation on YouTube and I've stuck with it.  It's saved to a play list and when I need to be still and quiet my mind, which is usually when I feel myself descending into an anxiety pit, I open the YouTube app on my phone and hit play.  

I could keep writing but I'll leave it there for now. In the process of writing the post above I've learnt more yet again. Part of the journey of my life has been to overcome anxiety and sometime in the near future I'll share some of the other stuff that's helped me. In recent years I've found some really helpful natural therapies, but it's important to remember that we're all wired a little differently and what works for one may not work for all, but maybe bits of it will. It's simply a matter of finding the unique combination that works for you.

And for those that are fortunate not to suffer anxiety, mindfulness can simply offer a few moments of peace in a noisy world.

For now in my mind my goal is to be a bit like the boat in the picture, just floating along on a calm sea. Breathing in and breathing out.......