I don't normally wear sunglasses.

“I don’t normally wear sunglasses, occasionally I do on a bright sunny day when I need to see the road. Although today is sunny I can see the road without them. But today is a bit different… today is the day that we moved the furniture out of my parents’ house. After mum went into care with dad it triggered the need to pay aged care deposits and to do so we had to sell the house. In Australia when your an aged pensioner and you own your home there's no way around it. What I wasn’t counting on was dad passing away so soon after mum went in.  And there I was thinking we’d have a glorious time packing up the house with dad to tell us what was what, and it wouldn’t be so painful because they were both still with us. But now dads not here and it adds a whole new dimension to the experience.

 

Up until now it’s been not too bad, we sold the house really quickly; it didn’t even make it to market properly because it sold the same day the agent took photos for the listing. So that part was easy, we had to pack up a little for that but now the rest has to be packed and moved. And then this week we’ve been thru the garage and popped all dad’s tools to one side because we needed to clear so that the removalists could move some of the furniture in the garage. And then last night after we finished in the garage, we went inside to empty out some furniture and I started packing up dads desk, and I know others would experience this losing family suddenly, but it’s like he just got up and left the room. He’d left the house in an ambulance in late April and he never got to come back, we'd talked about it but it never happened. There were bits and pieces there that I know if he’d had the time to do it himself it would have all been neatly packed away. He would have sorted through things. But there I am just putting it all into boxes carefully separating the contents from each drawer, trying to preserve a memory of him and how he left it. He’d had that desk for as long as I can remember. I was feeling anxious and like I was going to throw up because what I really wanted to do was cry.

 

And then today the movers put everything in the truck and started driving towards our houses ½ an hour away and I’d just started following the truck down the road and it hit me. It really is the beginning of the close of a chapter. It’s the final pages where the story is rounding out. My house is now full of my parents’ furniture, it replaces the hodge podge I had before. And as I drive it's eleven weeks since dad passed and 3 weeks since Charlie passed and I’m not hanging onto the loss of hopes and dreams, it’s like the end of series of books there’s nothing else to write the story is done.  They’ve both ran the entire marathon. But I keep thinking that Charlie would have loved mum and dads furniture in our house she would have loved their familiar smells… Grief sucks, it’s so tough. The tears are flowing while I drive.

 

So I’ve got my sunnies on and I’m headed back to the house. In a couple of weeks, we’ll close the door for the last time.

I don’t normally wear sunnies but today I’m hiding my grief.”

 

 

I recorded those words on a voice message on my phone on the 8th November. 2 ½ weeks have passed. We finished packing up and cleaned the house ready for the new owners. We handed the keys over a week ago. Between when I recorded my thoughts until now there have been many tears.

 

It’s strange having no more house to worry about. Dad’s goldfish from his pond are in a pond in my back yard. I was never able to get a water lily out of his pond. There are some things we had to say goodbye to because they couldn’t be moved.

 

And now I have some time back, since April all my spare time had been consumed by my parents, Charlie and my best friend with dementia. Now there’s just mum and my best friend. Now there’s time to notice what’s not, who’s not there. I have more time for my grief…..I’m fine when I’m at work, I’m fully distracted but when I’m home on my own, now I have more time at home, I’m missing Charlie. It’s hitting much harder now. On the days when I get to come home straight after work anxiety sets in at about 4.30. I’m doing my best to sit with my feelings to allow them to be. It can’t be avoided; I’ll have to deal with them sooner or later so it may as well be now.

 

Today I took mum to the optometrist and while I was waiting for her I stepped into a bookshop and in there I found 2 great books on grief. But I had to put them down, even the thought of reading them made me aware of the fact that my brain felt full, overwhelmed like I couldn’t process what was inside the cover of each book. And then I realised that I feel like this a lot, completely overwhelmed and unable to absorb much more. Most days I’m walking around feeling distraught on the inside and I have no idea when and if this will pass.

 

I keep trying to put a description to the year, I can’t say it’s been a terrible or even tragic year because everything that has happened has just been a part of life and aging. I could say it’s been a difficult year, at times overwhelming. But the best description is that it’s been a year of grief.

 

The loss of my dad, and my pet, of my life as i knew it, and the slow loss of my friend to dementia. Everything has changed and I’m not sure that I’m on board with all of this adulting that I’ve had to do lately.

 

I crave a day where I have absolutely nothing to do and I can just sit with how I’m feeling, no distractions. But knowing my self all too well I know that even if the opportunity did arise, I’d find something that needed doing. So I also crave a day with the perfect set of circumstances to sit with my feelings that also comes with it the awareness that I need to stop and seize the moment. Will it help who knows, but I guess it’s just my brain needing silence from the overwhelm.

Lib x

Walking Thru The Tunnel

 She's gone.... Charlie, my girl who I often described as 'natures little wonder on 4 legs' has earned her wings. Outside in the sunshine on my parents back lawn we said goodbye. She turned 16 in August and a little over 2 weeks ago on the 18th October I let her go. My dear sweet girl had begun to struggle, her arthritis left her unable to get up on her own and there was an issue with her bladder. She was everything to me and I didn't want her to suffer.

Just 8 weeks before this my dear Dad passed away and I imagined him there waiting for her. They had a special relationship, she was always in awe of him. When ever she saw him her tail and bottom would wag and she'd wimper with glee. 

I recently heard someone say 'grief is a tunnel' and I find myself ever so slowly moving thru it. I've known grief before and tangled up with it there's always been the loss of hopes and dreams. I find myself in an unusual space which defies the many conversations on grief that I've come across that include the loss of hopes and dreams. Both my Dad and my Charlie girl had very long lives, my Dad had just turned 96. They both run the full marathon there were no hopes and dreams for the future, we'd been in bonus days with both of them for quiet a while. I'm at peace with their passing.

My grief is quite simply the loss of them no longer being here. I miss them, that's all. I just miss them, I miss what they each brought to my life on a daily basis. I miss the smiles, the hugs, the cuddles, Charlie snoring, dad's dry sense of humour.......I miss their earthly energy and the space that they filled up.

I can still however dissolve into tears at any moment. The thought that I wont see them again in their earthly forms shatters me. The space they each left is huge. I've developed a coping strategy for this, which I learnt from my doggie loves and it's the reason why they are so forgiving. Dogs lack the part of the brain that allows them to attach a story to an event. So when I apply this I can think or say they've passed away and as long as I don't attach the story that makes me sad I can get through. Having said that when I'm home alone or in the car I allow myself to attach the story so that I can allow my grief.

My house is so quiet without Charlie, I keep catching myself waiting to hear her make a noise. The last few months she'd been spending a lot of time in my bedroom, she'd always slept in there and when she could still jump would wait on the bed for me most of the day. But as her arthritis progressed and she could no longer jump I made her a bed out of stacked doonas beside my bed and from there she would summon me if she wanted food or wanted help to get up and go outside. It was from there I would hear her bark as I came in the door from work. Now there's only silence. 

On my parents back lawn as I spent my last sweet moments with her I looked at the sky. On the tail end of a long cloud there was a shape that resembled a dog frolicking in the sky, a few moments later Charlies vet walked out the back door and it was time to start saying my final goodbye. My girl went quickly she was ready and ... she snored....it was like she was saying "I'm just going to sleep mum" 

Her doonas are folded up under the window, one of her blankets, her pillow and her favourite toys are on top. There's also the envelope that holds a card from her vet and some paw prints and a lock of her hair. And in the back corner is the bag from the crematorium that inside has the wooden box containing her ashes. I'm not ready to put her bed completely away. It will stay there until I can work it all out..... I'm only at the start of the tunnel.

edit

I woke up this morning after writing this post late last night and realised there was one thing still to say..... 

I have so much gratitude theirs,  were 2 lives well lived and well loved. I'm grateful they were both here as long as they were. For the last year I often used to thank Charlie for choosing to be with me another day. It was a joy to be with them for as long as I was, so many years of love ❤️ 

I haven’t spoken much about Dad here or on my social media, he was a very private person. I feel like I need to honour that for now xxx

The Pivot

Life this year has taken a few twists and turns... and the outcome of it is that I am now a dementia carer for a very dear elderly friend. I am witnessing, first hand, age and dementia gradually stripping the layers of him away. My mum keeps telling me you lose them twice with dementia, the first as the layers are stripped away and then again when they earn their wings. And I now understand why they call it the long goodbye.

Wind back 28 years and you'll find me walking home from the supermarket in a city on the other side of the country from where I was born. Enter a handsome older man with 2 dogs who calls out to say hello from a driveway across from where I was living. The dogs crossed the road to say hello and the rest is history. We dated for a brief while, he was the older man in my life, and then we worked out that we'd missed the mark we'd been put together to be friends.

All these years later we're still best friends we've supported and counselled each other thru broken relationships and challenges, shared houses and looked after each others dogs. But now I find myself watching dementia gradually change the man I once knew. He was once my protector and now he is the protected. 

At first it was just his short term memory that failed and then 18 months ago he started getting lost and strange stories started entering our conversations. I call them 'the strange man in the attic stories' . That was a phrase I used to describe my grandmothers dementia. She would often tell us there was a strange man in the attic but she and pop lived in a single level dwelling that didn't have an attic. At the start of 2022 I realised his ability to 'join the dots' was declining. 

And he started getting lost, the first time in January 2022 he drove to a town over an hour away and fuelled his car at the petrol station only to find he couldn't pay as he'd picked up an old empty wallet on his way out the door. He called me and I was able to arrange to pay the next day but I then had to navigate him home as he was also lost on a road he's travelled many times before. Fortunately we had each other on 'find my friends' on our iPhones so I could see where he was and after an anxious hour I watched him get near to his home only to take a wrong turn and get lost a couple of kilometres away. I navigated him again and at 2 am I drove to him to guide him the last 20m to his driveway, he was on his street but had no idea which house he lived in. There have been several other occasions since. On Christmas Eve 2022 after getting lost again he gave me his car keys. He hasn't driven since. Now he just gets lost on foot!

We received the official diagnosis in April this year, dementia with significant cognitive decline. This last week I was appointed as his guardian and power of attorney. 

Watching someone you love descend into dementia is a strange journey. He has good days and bad days and on the bad days I miss the friend who I could talk to about anything. He was my rock and in moments I know my rock has gone. Even on good days I'm unsure as to how much he'll remember when he sees me next. On the flip side of that if he's having a bad day or struggling with a delusion I know it's only a matter of hours before that passes and we're back into balance. But I'm grieving the loss of an old and dear friend while he's still here and part of my life. It's a weird situation

And the hardest part is I know how this will end if it plays full out.

But for now I just have to keep him healthy, happy and safe. My life where he is concerned is a continual pivot, my sister described it tonight as it being like walking on ice in the wrong shoes. I can control some of the factors but not all of them. And there's always the well meaning old friend, who doesn't know or hasn't worked it out, who could unknowingly put my friend in danger. Today I caught one old friend offering to charge the battery on one of my friends cars for him. He still has the keys for that particular car and I hadn't worried about it because I knew the battery was dead and I don't want to take all is keys... not yet... too much has already been taken from him. 

Little by little all the pieces of him will be stripped away, we need to try to hold onto as much as we can for as long as we can.

It's all been a bit of a learning curve working out what to say and what not to say. Not to challenge thoughts as they come up. It always passes, some reoccur and you get more creative with each time. It's never no, rather I'll look into it or we'll have to work that out. I learn as I go and hopefully no longterm damage is done.

I'm in the process of organising help, we've been approved for home care. It's just a matter of getting the right services in place. So for now I'll continue to pivot and hopefully at some point I'll feel like I'm wearing the right shoes for the ice!

photo by Intricate Explorer on Unsplash

On Being Mindful

I wrote this post in 2013 and I've just realised that it was still sitting in my drafts. So in the spirit of all or nothing I'm now giving you my 3rd post of the day. I thought it time that this one finally has it's moment in the sun. I've mostly healed my anxiety now it just rears its head in moments of extreme stress. But for those who aren't quite there yet this one is for you ❤️

I first heard the term mindfulness a couple of years ago when my friend Jane sent me a book by comedian Ruby Wax. The timing was interesting as I'd just finished a 10 week online course in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy thru Mindspot. Ruby's book 'Sane New World' helps us understand "why we sabotage our sanity, how our brains work and how we can rewire our thinking-often thru simple mindfulness techniques"

It's a humorous journey thru her own experiences and offers some interesting insights and helpful mindfulness based cognitive behavioral techniques to overcome anxiety.

Like many people I thought mindfulness was about Buddhism, but it actually ties in beautifully with cognitive behavioral therapy 

In my own journey my light bulb moment after a lifetime of panic attacks was a counselors simple explanation of the cycle of a panic attack on a white board. I'd seen it and read it before but it didn't click. It must have been the way it was worded or that at that moment I was open to hear it, but something gelled. Those few words gave me the ability to take control. Once I became consciously aware of what was happening I had the ability to recognize the  start of the cycle and change the outcome. I'd struggled for years yet that one moment changed everything. I still experience  anxiety in varying degrees but the run for the hills, I'm a screaming mess, kind of attacks are mostly a distant memory. Mindfulness is fabulous in teaching us how to do this.


There is so much in Ruby's book that anyone who has experienced anxiety can relate to. For a taste of what's in it check out her TED talk below

 

Ruby Wax TED talk 2012

Mindfulness can be practiced easily in everyday life, it's not just the breathing exercises we imagine it to be. My own mindfulness practice can be found in drawing, being creative in the kitchen and pottering in my garden. It's those moments when I am fully present in my task. I'm a doodler and my patterns and mandalas are very much a meditation. I find traditional meditation tedious if it's longer than 10 minutes but doodling I can do for hours.

 


Useful resources within Australia :

Mindspot

ADAVIC
Beyond Blue

**Mindspot is an Australian organistion available to Australian residents. If you live outside of Australia please contact the Mental Health Services in your location for assistance. ADAVIC and Beyond Blue both have some useful online resources that may be of assistance if you are outside of Australia** 

The Blueprint

 

The Freedom Blueprint

What is it? It's a 4 module education course that teaches Affiliate Marketing and with so many companies choosing to go down this path to market their products there's never been a better time to learn how it all works.

The course was created by Kim Reid and Carlee Modra, 2 amazing ladies with extensive experience in the affiliate and network marketing space.

The course also offers the opportunity to become an affiliate and earn a very generous 60% on all affiliate referrals. And 20% on referrals from your affiliates. 

Whether you simply want to learn how to affiliate market your own business or earn an income promoting other peoples products this course is for you.

And compared to other courses this one has an affordable entry fee. 

This is a genuine side hustle that you can do this along side your job, network marketing business etc. If you are time poor and need to increase your income this one is for you. In only 5 hours a week you could be earning a residual income.

We're still in prelaunch and a prelaunch discount of $100 applies. Once it's launched the price will go up.

I jumped on board early because this one was a complete no brainer.  

Click the link to learn more TheFreedom Blueprint

As this is an affiliate program if you click the link and choose to join I will earn an affiliate payment from your purchase.

Clarity

All those amazing plans I had for 2022..... well they didn't happen! I studied digital marketing, I tried to open the t-shirt shop on several different platforms but nothing happened. I quite simply got stuck, I got anxious and I ran out of $$

But I did get to spend lots of time with Miss Charlie, helped a dear friend and spent more time with my parents and my sister. 

The other thing that 2022 brought me was Clarity.

I discovered what I want to do with the digital marketing.... it's not an agency, well not for now any way

I found a course to help me with the t-shirt shop that's still in the plan

I found an affiliate marketing course that I will also be able to earn an affiliate income from and I'll write a separate post about that as I'm launching into that space this week, like now, I have my links and I'm ready to go

My big moment of clarity was when I realised that my North Star was working with dogs. Body work, essential oils, raw feeding. I have a whole business plan. All the other stuff just falls in and around it. 

And I keep finding moments of affirmation. So right now I'm working on creating the time to make this all happen. I just need to follow the plan. And while I do Miss Charlie is still by my side 😊