It's OK, It's all going to be OK

Dad always wanted to know how I was, what was happening at work, with my dog, my friend. In my younger years I hid when things were going wrong. I suffered from anxiety and depression and I never wanted to worry either of my parents. But they always intuitively knew that I struggled. But as I got older I opened up a little, age taught me that I could talk to them about some of life’s struggles. But those confessions were always ended with the statement “it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok”. I caught myself saying this to him one day in the weeks before he passed. And I realised that it was a regular statement and I looked at him and said “it will, all be ok”

 

I thought about why I always say this and it’s not to be flippant, or cover my pain, I admit at times it was to soften things so that he wouldn’t worry. But mostly I believe that everything always works out to our highest good. It’s a personal “I’ve got this” and a further recognition that there is absolutely no point getting stuck in the middle of worry. When we let go and surrender the answer or resolution usually comes.

 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learnt the power of surrender of handing the challenge over to a higher power. When we release, we allow the answers to reveal themselves. When we hold tight and worry, we obscure the answers from our vision because the problem is blocking the view.

 

And now as I walk thru my grief, I know that even in my darkest moments that it will, all be ok. I will get thru it and all though grief will always be there it won’t conquer me. You’ve just got to let it wash through and over you.

 

And none of this is to say that you shouldn’t feel things as they happen, never disregard your feelings, it’s ok to experience them. Just don’t get stuck.

 

My Dad knew that I was the eternal optimist for a reason. I’d had dark days in the past and I’d survived to see the sunlight. The sun always comes up, it will all be ok.

Lib x

Photo by Alice Donovan Rouse on Unsplash

Firsts

Today was a day that I never thought that I would experience but then 2020 has been a year of things that so many of us believed we would never  experience. It's been a year of firsts for a lot of people but in many ways for all the wrong reasons.

Why was today so different for me? Well today I took my 93yr old father to his first appointment with a Radiation Oncologist! 

Now the first thing you may be thinking is "wow your dad is 93, he's pretty old". Yes he has been on this earth for 93 years but no he's not old, at least he doesn't look it. He's a very young and reasonably fit version of a 93 yr old that is except for the reason why we went to see an Oncologist.

Which leads to another first... 2 months ago Dad was admitted to hospital with a bowel obstruction. Scans were done, a tumor was found and an ileostomy was performed. I should mention that I am now a full bottle on how to change an ileostomy bag and trouble shoot issues with leakage, stool consistency and gas. And that's something else I never thought I would be saying or writing. You see it's been a very odd year. 

In my last post I mentioned that I'd been stood down from my job when my state locked down due to the pandemic and then stood back up when everything reopened. Then 2 months ago both of my parents were in hospital for different reasons and in different locations. There was a lot of driving, worry and late nights.  

At this point I am going to say we are so grateful and blessed that we live in Australia. It seems that there is a different perspective on cancer care here. Maybe it's dads age but there has been no pressure or rush to get him into treatment. After an initial panic in the emergency room 2 months ago everything seemed to slow down to a very careful and considered pace. It's like the universe opened its arms and said "I've got you, I'm carrying this. Although it's been a flurry of appointments with the Surgeon, his GP and his Health Coach (yes we got him a health coach) there's been time to consider the next steps.

But back to today... The oncologist we saw was amazing, he was lovely and very interested in my Dad and his story. He asked Dad where he grew up and dad told him a little of the story of his childhood. To which the response was "have you written this down? " Now my Dad is an awesome story teller, he's fascinating and his life and his parents lives are fascinating. It needs to be written. Thank you Mr Oncologist for suggesting this. 

But back to why we were there, it was essentially an information session. A here's what you've got, here's what we think is the best course of action, go away and talk to your GP and your family and decide what you would like to do. And start writing your story. 

On the drive home Dad and I got to pondering as to why this cancer challenge was presented to him at this point in his life. Dad's religious and he was pondering why God brought this to him now. And considered that maybe he might not know the true answer this side of heaven. I am little bit more 'A Course In Miracles' so my response was that sometimes these things are brought to us to bring about positive change or enlightenment. Maybe in this case it was for my Dad to meet the man who was to tell him to write his story. Maybe it was to meet the health coach who would set him on the path to live to 100!

Although the first few days of Dad being in hospital were stressful, we've all now settled into a state of relative calm. There is no fear or sense of worrying about what's to come. I listened to a cancer summit recently and the first this the first speaker said was "peacefulness is paramount" I'm happy to report that we are already there. 

In my last post I mentioned that I'd decided to study nutrition. After I wrote that I'd decided to leave it until next year. And then we took Dad to the health coach and then an opportunity to study online came up and I enrolled. I was inspired by Dad's coach and right when I was thinking I should just do this the right door opened and I'm on my way. I must also fess up that I'd started to think maybe I wouldn't be any good at it. But then I gave myself a pep talk and decided that I was not longer allowed to think that way and that really I could do anything I set my mind to.

I know some of you are still thinking "you got him a health coach!" umm well I have no faith in dieticians, well not the ones the hospital was offering cause I saw what was on his plate pre and post surgery with a possible cancer diagnosis and I wasn't impressed. My apologies to any dieticians out there, right or wrong these are my personal thoughts. We wanted to focus on Nutrition, Dad wanted to deal with this more holistically and Dads amazing doctor recommended the health coach. Which is kind of cool and synchronicity all in one given my desire to be a health coach. Dad's really into it and I'm loving the opportunity to observe. 

Well it's late here and I really should go as I have to take Miss Charlie to the vet tomorrow. That was another thing chucked into the mix of everything this year. 2 weeks ago Charlie got up and was staggering around like  a very drunk person. Somehow I've learnt not to panic. I considered the possible causes and called a vet. After quite an extensive appointment, which included the senior health check that was a little overdue, the conclusion was that she had a perforated ear drum. How ? I have no idea. But it got her to the vet, and I got to find out that the lump on her side that I'd been planning on getting checked but hadn't was not at all nasty. It was just a fatty lump that older dogs get. Phew!! Thank you doggy version of vertigo, I can stop worrying about the lump. 

It seems the Universe is throwing in a fair few silver linings amongst all the chaos. I may feel pummelled most days and like I just want to lock myself in a quiet room and not come out, or go to sleep and not wake up until 2021, but there's some genuinely good stuff coming out of the chaos.

Anyhoo I really just wanted to stop by and catch you up as it's been a couple of months and I'd promised myself not to leave it so long between posts again. 

I'll be back again soon with further updates and some insights that I'm learning in my nutrition course.

Jim Kwik the speed reading guy always says the best way to learn something is to teach it. So I'll share what I learn along the way.

Hopefully the chaos of 2020 starts to slow down my nervous system needs a break!

Until next time stay well and stay happy.

Love Lib and Miss Charlie XXX