She's gone.... Charlie, my girl who I often described as 'natures little wonder on 4 legs' has earned her wings. Outside in the sunshine on my parents back lawn we said goodbye. She turned 16 in August and a little over 2 weeks ago on the 18th October I let her go. My dear sweet girl had begun to struggle, her arthritis left her unable to get up on her own and there was an issue with her bladder. She was everything to me and I didn't want her to suffer.
Just 8 weeks before this my dear Dad passed away and I imagined him there waiting for her. They had a special relationship, she was always in awe of him. When ever she saw him her tail and bottom would wag and she'd wimper with glee.
I recently heard someone say 'grief is a tunnel' and I find myself ever so slowly moving thru it. I've known grief before and tangled up with it there's always been the loss of hopes and dreams. I find myself in an unusual space which defies the many conversations on grief that I've come across that include the loss of hopes and dreams. Both my Dad and my Charlie girl had very long lives, my Dad had just turned 96. They both run the full marathon there were no hopes and dreams for the future, we'd been in bonus days with both of them for quiet a while. I'm at peace with their passing.
My grief is quite simply the loss of them no longer being here. I miss them, that's all. I just miss them, I miss what they each brought to my life on a daily basis. I miss the smiles, the hugs, the cuddles, Charlie snoring, dad's dry sense of humour.......I miss their earthly energy and the space that they filled up.
I can still however dissolve into tears at any moment. The thought that I wont see them again in their earthly forms shatters me. The space they each left is huge. I've developed a coping strategy for this, which I learnt from my doggie loves and it's the reason why they are so forgiving. Dogs lack the part of the brain that allows them to attach a story to an event. So when I apply this I can think or say they've passed away and as long as I don't attach the story that makes me sad I can get through. Having said that when I'm home alone or in the car I allow myself to attach the story so that I can allow my grief.
My house is so quiet without Charlie, I keep catching myself waiting to hear her make a noise. The last few months she'd been spending a lot of time in my bedroom, she'd always slept in there and when she could still jump would wait on the bed for me most of the day. But as her arthritis progressed and she could no longer jump I made her a bed out of stacked doonas beside my bed and from there she would summon me if she wanted food or wanted help to get up and go outside. It was from there I would hear her bark as I came in the door from work. Now there's only silence.
On my parents back lawn as I spent my last sweet moments with her I looked at the sky. On the tail end of a long cloud there was a shape that resembled a dog frolicking in the sky, a few moments later Charlies vet walked out the back door and it was time to start saying my final goodbye. My girl went quickly she was ready and ... she snored....it was like she was saying "I'm just going to sleep mum"
Her doonas are folded up under the window, one of her blankets, her pillow and her favourite toys are on top. There's also the envelope that holds a card from her vet and some paw prints and a lock of her hair. And in the back corner is the bag from the crematorium that inside has the wooden box containing her ashes. I'm not ready to put her bed completely away. It will stay there until I can work it all out..... I'm only at the start of the tunnel.
edit
I woke up this morning after writing this post late last night and realised there was one thing still to say.....
I have so much gratitude theirs, were 2 lives well lived and well loved. I'm grateful they were both here as long as they were. For the last year I often used to thank Charlie for choosing to be with me another day. It was a joy to be with them for as long as I was, so many years of love ❤️
I haven’t spoken much about Dad here or on my social media, he was a very private person. I feel like I need to honour that for now xxx
