Unstuck

A couple of days ago I unstuck myself, I've been stagnant for months waiting for a shift in energy. When we sold my parents' house, I kept a lot of their furniture to replace the mish mash I'd collected over the years.  There were also books and belongings that my sister and I wanted to keep, and then on top of that boxes of things that we didn't have time to sort. We underestimated how long the pack up would take and as a result my sister and I have both absorbed boxes, furniture and appliances into our homes. I've had the boxes and furniture, in almost every room including the front hallway and I've been oscillating around where to start. Until a few days ago I couldn't see the way to fit things in but finally something shifted in my head, and I unstuck myself. I started to see the solutions and find a way forward.

I'm not sure if it was the David Kessler grief webinar or his book that I'm listening to on audible, or it could be the Jenna Kutcher Pinterest marketing program I just signed up for. One or maybe all these things propelled me forward.

The night before last I rearranged my bedroom and it's starting to look like the sanctuary I'd envisaged. And then then last night I tackled my art room. I reassembled the Ikea sewing desk my parents bought me when I was a teen and subsequently became mums' office desk and now here it is back as my sewing desk. There was a lot of mowing things around but I'm finally starting to see pockets of space reappear.  It's far from perfect but it's a start. 

Slowly I'm starting to get my motivation back, I'm seeing the possibilities again and there's a sense of urgency to get going. I need to make some changes and move away from the 9-5 work environment. It's time to create my world the way that I want it.

The grief is still there, the sense of loss I feel for my Dad and Charlie is huge. David Kessler says that the grief doesn't get smaller we just have to learn to get bigger. These same words were echoed in a video I saw of Robert F Kennedy Jr talking about the losses in his life. He said, "while our grief would never get smaller, our job was to build ourselves bigger around it". 

I'm working on the getting bigger and I'm working on finding the pieces of me that got pushed to the side last year. My current reality still has me in 2nd place to the people who need me but I'm gradually working towards carving my own space in amongst this reality.

Little by little I'm starting to find my way forward. For now I'm unstuck and that's a big step in the right direction.

Lib x

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

It's OK, It's all going to be OK

Dad always wanted to know how I was, what was happening at work, with my dog, my friend. In my younger years I hid when things were going wrong. I suffered from anxiety and depression and I never wanted to worry either of my parents. But they always intuitively knew that I struggled. But as I got older I opened up a little, age taught me that I could talk to them about some of life’s struggles. But those confessions were always ended with the statement “it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok”. I caught myself saying this to him one day in the weeks before he passed. And I realised that it was a regular statement and I looked at him and said “it will, all be ok”

 

I thought about why I always say this and it’s not to be flippant, or cover my pain, I admit at times it was to soften things so that he wouldn’t worry. But mostly I believe that everything always works out to our highest good. It’s a personal “I’ve got this” and a further recognition that there is absolutely no point getting stuck in the middle of worry. When we let go and surrender the answer or resolution usually comes.

 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learnt the power of surrender of handing the challenge over to a higher power. When we release, we allow the answers to reveal themselves. When we hold tight and worry, we obscure the answers from our vision because the problem is blocking the view.

 

And now as I walk thru my grief, I know that even in my darkest moments that it will, all be ok. I will get thru it and all though grief will always be there it won’t conquer me. You’ve just got to let it wash through and over you.

 

And none of this is to say that you shouldn’t feel things as they happen, never disregard your feelings, it’s ok to experience them. Just don’t get stuck.

 

My Dad knew that I was the eternal optimist for a reason. I’d had dark days in the past and I’d survived to see the sunlight. The sun always comes up, it will all be ok.

Lib x

Photo by Alice Donovan Rouse on Unsplash

I don't normally wear sunglasses.

“I don’t normally wear sunglasses, occasionally I do on a bright sunny day when I need to see the road. Although today is sunny I can see the road without them. But today is a bit different… today is the day that we moved the furniture out of my parents’ house. After mum went into care with dad it triggered the need to pay aged care deposits and to do so we had to sell the house. In Australia when your an aged pensioner and you own your home there's no way around it. What I wasn’t counting on was dad passing away so soon after mum went in.  And there I was thinking we’d have a glorious time packing up the house with dad to tell us what was what, and it wouldn’t be so painful because they were both still with us. But now dads not here and it adds a whole new dimension to the experience.

 

Up until now it’s been not too bad, we sold the house really quickly; it didn’t even make it to market properly because it sold the same day the agent took photos for the listing. So that part was easy, we had to pack up a little for that but now the rest has to be packed and moved. And then this week we’ve been thru the garage and popped all dad’s tools to one side because we needed to clear so that the removalists could move some of the furniture in the garage. And then last night after we finished in the garage, we went inside to empty out some furniture and I started packing up dads desk, and I know others would experience this losing family suddenly, but it’s like he just got up and left the room. He’d left the house in an ambulance in late April and he never got to come back, we'd talked about it but it never happened. There were bits and pieces there that I know if he’d had the time to do it himself it would have all been neatly packed away. He would have sorted through things. But there I am just putting it all into boxes carefully separating the contents from each drawer, trying to preserve a memory of him and how he left it. He’d had that desk for as long as I can remember. I was feeling anxious and like I was going to throw up because what I really wanted to do was cry.

 

And then today the movers put everything in the truck and started driving towards our houses ½ an hour away and I’d just started following the truck down the road and it hit me. It really is the beginning of the close of a chapter. It’s the final pages where the story is rounding out. My house is now full of my parents’ furniture, it replaces the hodge podge I had before. And as I drive it's eleven weeks since dad passed and 3 weeks since Charlie passed and I’m not hanging onto the loss of hopes and dreams, it’s like the end of series of books there’s nothing else to write the story is done.  They’ve both ran the entire marathon. But I keep thinking that Charlie would have loved mum and dads furniture in our house she would have loved their familiar smells… Grief sucks, it’s so tough. The tears are flowing while I drive.

 

So I’ve got my sunnies on and I’m headed back to the house. In a couple of weeks, we’ll close the door for the last time.

I don’t normally wear sunnies but today I’m hiding my grief.”

 

 

I recorded those words on a voice message on my phone on the 8th November. 2 ½ weeks have passed. We finished packing up and cleaned the house ready for the new owners. We handed the keys over a week ago. Between when I recorded my thoughts until now there have been many tears.

 

It’s strange having no more house to worry about. Dad’s goldfish from his pond are in a pond in my back yard. I was never able to get a water lily out of his pond. There are some things we had to say goodbye to because they couldn’t be moved.

 

And now I have some time back, since April all my spare time had been consumed by my parents, Charlie and my best friend with dementia. Now there’s just mum and my best friend. Now there’s time to notice what’s not, who’s not there. I have more time for my grief…..I’m fine when I’m at work, I’m fully distracted but when I’m home on my own, now I have more time at home, I’m missing Charlie. It’s hitting much harder now. On the days when I get to come home straight after work anxiety sets in at about 4.30. I’m doing my best to sit with my feelings to allow them to be. It can’t be avoided; I’ll have to deal with them sooner or later so it may as well be now.

 

Today I took mum to the optometrist and while I was waiting for her I stepped into a bookshop and in there I found 2 great books on grief. But I had to put them down, even the thought of reading them made me aware of the fact that my brain felt full, overwhelmed like I couldn’t process what was inside the cover of each book. And then I realised that I feel like this a lot, completely overwhelmed and unable to absorb much more. Most days I’m walking around feeling distraught on the inside and I have no idea when and if this will pass.

 

I keep trying to put a description to the year, I can’t say it’s been a terrible or even tragic year because everything that has happened has just been a part of life and aging. I could say it’s been a difficult year, at times overwhelming. But the best description is that it’s been a year of grief.

 

The loss of my dad, and my pet, of my life as i knew it, and the slow loss of my friend to dementia. Everything has changed and I’m not sure that I’m on board with all of this adulting that I’ve had to do lately.

 

I crave a day where I have absolutely nothing to do and I can just sit with how I’m feeling, no distractions. But knowing my self all too well I know that even if the opportunity did arise, I’d find something that needed doing. So I also crave a day with the perfect set of circumstances to sit with my feelings that also comes with it the awareness that I need to stop and seize the moment. Will it help who knows, but I guess it’s just my brain needing silence from the overwhelm.

Lib x

2020

2020

We haven't spoken for a few years, where did all that time go?  I've been in the background learning and growing. Sometimes work has taken over and there have been break ups, house moves, job moves and lots of smiles, laughter and sometimes tears. Life as always has at times been a roller coaster, but there have been new discoveries and lots to learn. Charlie dog is still with me, she's about to turn 13 and she has a new best friend Suzy (pictured above). Suzys' photo sums up the 2020 feeling, everything is upside down this year.....


What a ride this year has been so far! it's been both challenging and heart breaking on so many levels. As with any challenging situation there is the opportunity for growth or change, a silver lining of sorts.

The year my part of the world started with the bushfires on the east coast of Australia. There was a collective heart break and outpouring of support for those affected. Some of us were left with the determination to do better for the planet. Climate change was raised as cause of the fires and whether you believe that or not it's time to look after mother earth better. I started looking at the impacts that my life had and asking what I could up level to do my part


Then Covid hit and our lives were all turned upside down from one side of the planet to the other. The shutdowns and the decision to close businesses and borders saw myself and others stood down from work. I can only imagine how difficult it was for my employers to be faced with the situation of standing workers down. Being stood down is something I never want to experience again. Despite all logical understanding of what was happening and knowing I wasn't the only one, being kicked to the job curb was devastating and a hit to my confidence that still hasn't recovered.

This week my world has returned to pre covid work hours and although I've muddled through ok the emotional affects have continued and I'm left questioning my path and what to do next. My current job in the tourism industry no longer feels secure like it did before. I want to do something meaningful and so it's time to make steps towards my future path and I keep coming back to the same thing, studying Nutrition and becoming a Holistic Health Coach. At the moment I'm investigating courses so there's more to follow on that soon once I've made the commitment.

Why study nutrition? with all that's been happening in the world I believe we need more voices to raise awareness that we are not at the mercy of outside forces, that we have the ability to influence our own health outcome. That's not to say that there will ever be absolute immunity to anything but we can certainly raise our chances of fighting illness by making better choices for what we put on our forks and our bodies. 

The last 7 years have been a path of learning about health and healing. As a result of a few health challenges 2 1/2 years ago I made the decision to follow a 100% plant based diet. It suits me well and I feel better than I have in the years preceding. One of my goals is to better understand how to nourish and support my own body with a plant based diet and in doing so assist others with the same goal. 

My heart goes out to anyone who is still suffering a job or income loss as a result of Covid. I was lucky and have been very blessed to have bounced back into the work force so quickly, others have been less fortunate.  

For me the  silver lining of Covid is not just the new Taylor Swift album, it's the opportunity to look to the future and make plans for the new normal. What will will my life look like and what changes can I make to withstand the next storm if it comes. What will be your silver lining? 

Love Lib x

My Beautiful World

I titled this post “My Beautiful World” not because my world is perfect, in fact it’s far from it. My life is as full of as many disappointments and cracks in the pavement as the next person and there are many missing pieces. But lately I’ve been focusing on the things that make me joyful and realizing that the odd little bubble I live in isn’t so bad after all.

My world like yours is a work in progress, it’s me trying to find all the pieces that fit and letting go of the ones that choose not to fit. I could be sad about the ones that don't fit, and I have been sad, but I’ve come to realize that their absence creates space for other things that I love to expand.

I'm working on filling my world with the things that make me happy. My 'happiest places' are my doggie Miss Charlie, being creative and my obsession with organic gardening and healthy eating.

I’ve learnt that this life is about surrounding yourself with the people who let you shine the brightest and allow you to be the best person you can be and letting go of the people who dampen your flame and squash your spirit.

Everyday I’m learning to be grateful and to be joyful for the life that I have. So much of our lives is a choice and sometimes you just have to step up to the plate and go for it. I'm learning to step up, taking small steps each day to get to the place where I want to be. I'm working towards being bold enough to take the giant steps, to celebrate life by being the loudest drum and dancing with hands in the air!
  
I'm forever creating my beautiful world

Being Mindful

This is my third attempt at writing this post. It started out somewhat differently because I've been thinking aloud as I tap away on my laptop trying to get to what I wanted to say and I have no doubt that it will evolve and change as I write. You see things have happened recently, 'life has happened' and it led me to the following thoughts.

Sometimes things happen in life and you get dragged along in the tide unable to change what's about to unfold. There's no point in 'what ifs' or 'what you could have done' because it will all ultimately happen as it is meant to happen. You simply have to sit back and let it!


The difficult part is to allow even the painful things in life to unfold without resistance and somehow in the process find some peace by being able to shut out the internal chatter that ultimately causes anxiety. The kind of chatter that defeats you.

In the last couple of years I've been exploring the practice of mindfulness and I have been finding it really helpful to shut out the internal chatter and find a peaceful place within.

I'm constantly on a journey with this, but I find as I get older and the more I learn it's easier to be mindful and find a peaceful place in the middle of my thoughts, even if just for a few minutes. 

It's essentially about being present, in the 'now', finding a moment to breathe and that being all there is in that moment. Just focusing on the sensation of breathing. When you focus on your breathing its easier to shut out the noise of your thoughts. 

It's a practice that also helps you be aware of the internal chatter because we are so used to it simply being there and we dont realise that we don't need to listen to all of it. Mindfulness teaches you to not only quiet your thoughts but enables you to choose which ones you want to listen to. And it enables those of us who suffer from anxiety to identify it and and avoid the descent into the pit.


In my quest I've found that there are so many amazing resources online for this including countless guided meditations on YouTube. As well as lots of articles and great books. There's loads of practical exercises you can do too, but ones others find great don't really do it for me, they're not my thing. I kind of like to keep these things simple and uncomplicated otherwise I lose interest!. A while back I found a 10 minute Guided Meditation on YouTube and I've stuck with it.  It's saved to a play list and when I need to be still and quiet my mind, which is usually when I feel myself descending into an anxiety pit, I open the YouTube app on my phone and hit play.  

I could keep writing but I'll leave it there for now. In the process of writing the post above I've learnt more yet again. Part of the journey of my life has been to overcome anxiety and sometime in the near future I'll share some of the other stuff that's helped me. In recent years I've found some really helpful natural therapies, but it's important to remember that we're all wired a little differently and what works for one may not work for all, but maybe bits of it will. It's simply a matter of finding the unique combination that works for you.

And for those that are fortunate not to suffer anxiety, mindfulness can simply offer a few moments of peace in a noisy world.

For now in my mind my goal is to be a bit like the boat in the picture, just floating along on a calm sea. Breathing in and breathing out.......