Walking Thru The Tunnel

 She's gone.... Charlie, my girl who I often described as 'natures little wonder on 4 legs' has earned her wings. Outside in the sunshine on my parents back lawn we said goodbye. She turned 16 in August and a little over 2 weeks ago on the 18th October I let her go. My dear sweet girl had begun to struggle, her arthritis left her unable to get up on her own and there was an issue with her bladder. She was everything to me and I didn't want her to suffer.

Just 8 weeks before this my dear Dad passed away and I imagined him there waiting for her. They had a special relationship, she was always in awe of him. When ever she saw him her tail and bottom would wag and she'd wimper with glee. 

I recently heard someone say 'grief is a tunnel' and I find myself ever so slowly moving thru it. I've known grief before and tangled up with it there's always been the loss of hopes and dreams. I find myself in an unusual space which defies the many conversations on grief that I've come across that include the loss of hopes and dreams. Both my Dad and my Charlie girl had very long lives, my Dad had just turned 96. They both run the full marathon there were no hopes and dreams for the future, we'd been in bonus days with both of them for quiet a while. I'm at peace with their passing.

My grief is quite simply the loss of them no longer being here. I miss them, that's all. I just miss them, I miss what they each brought to my life on a daily basis. I miss the smiles, the hugs, the cuddles, Charlie snoring, dad's dry sense of humour.......I miss their earthly energy and the space that they filled up.

I can still however dissolve into tears at any moment. The thought that I wont see them again in their earthly forms shatters me. The space they each left is huge. I've developed a coping strategy for this, which I learnt from my doggie loves and it's the reason why they are so forgiving. Dogs lack the part of the brain that allows them to attach a story to an event. So when I apply this I can think or say they've passed away and as long as I don't attach the story that makes me sad I can get through. Having said that when I'm home alone or in the car I allow myself to attach the story so that I can allow my grief.

My house is so quiet without Charlie, I keep catching myself waiting to hear her make a noise. The last few months she'd been spending a lot of time in my bedroom, she'd always slept in there and when she could still jump would wait on the bed for me most of the day. But as her arthritis progressed and she could no longer jump I made her a bed out of stacked doonas beside my bed and from there she would summon me if she wanted food or wanted help to get up and go outside. It was from there I would hear her bark as I came in the door from work. Now there's only silence. 

On my parents back lawn as I spent my last sweet moments with her I looked at the sky. On the tail end of a long cloud there was a shape that resembled a dog frolicking in the sky, a few moments later Charlies vet walked out the back door and it was time to start saying my final goodbye. My girl went quickly she was ready and ... she snored....it was like she was saying "I'm just going to sleep mum" 

Her doonas are folded up under the window, one of her blankets, her pillow and her favourite toys are on top. There's also the envelope that holds a card from her vet and some paw prints and a lock of her hair. And in the back corner is the bag from the crematorium that inside has the wooden box containing her ashes. I'm not ready to put her bed completely away. It will stay there until I can work it all out..... I'm only at the start of the tunnel.

edit

I woke up this morning after writing this post late last night and realised there was one thing still to say..... 

I have so much gratitude theirs,  were 2 lives well lived and well loved. I'm grateful they were both here as long as they were. For the last year I often used to thank Charlie for choosing to be with me another day. It was a joy to be with them for as long as I was, so many years of love ❤️ 

I haven’t spoken much about Dad here or on my social media, he was a very private person. I feel like I need to honour that for now xxx

The Pivot

Life this year has taken a few twists and turns... and the outcome of it is that I am now a dementia carer for a very dear elderly friend. I am witnessing, first hand, age and dementia gradually stripping the layers of him away. My mum keeps telling me you lose them twice with dementia, the first as the layers are stripped away and then again when they earn their wings. And I now understand why they call it the long goodbye.

Wind back 28 years and you'll find me walking home from the supermarket in a city on the other side of the country from where I was born. Enter a handsome older man with 2 dogs who calls out to say hello from a driveway across from where I was living. The dogs crossed the road to say hello and the rest is history. We dated for a brief while, he was the older man in my life, and then we worked out that we'd missed the mark we'd been put together to be friends.

All these years later we're still best friends we've supported and counselled each other thru broken relationships and challenges, shared houses and looked after each others dogs. But now I find myself watching dementia gradually change the man I once knew. He was once my protector and now he is the protected. 

At first it was just his short term memory that failed and then 18 months ago he started getting lost and strange stories started entering our conversations. I call them 'the strange man in the attic stories' . That was a phrase I used to describe my grandmothers dementia. She would often tell us there was a strange man in the attic but she and pop lived in a single level dwelling that didn't have an attic. At the start of 2022 I realised his ability to 'join the dots' was declining. 

And he started getting lost, the first time in January 2022 he drove to a town over an hour away and fuelled his car at the petrol station only to find he couldn't pay as he'd picked up an old empty wallet on his way out the door. He called me and I was able to arrange to pay the next day but I then had to navigate him home as he was also lost on a road he's travelled many times before. Fortunately we had each other on 'find my friends' on our iPhones so I could see where he was and after an anxious hour I watched him get near to his home only to take a wrong turn and get lost a couple of kilometres away. I navigated him again and at 2 am I drove to him to guide him the last 20m to his driveway, he was on his street but had no idea which house he lived in. There have been several other occasions since. On Christmas Eve 2022 after getting lost again he gave me his car keys. He hasn't driven since. Now he just gets lost on foot!

We received the official diagnosis in April this year, dementia with significant cognitive decline. This last week I was appointed as his guardian and power of attorney. 

Watching someone you love descend into dementia is a strange journey. He has good days and bad days and on the bad days I miss the friend who I could talk to about anything. He was my rock and in moments I know my rock has gone. Even on good days I'm unsure as to how much he'll remember when he sees me next. On the flip side of that if he's having a bad day or struggling with a delusion I know it's only a matter of hours before that passes and we're back into balance. But I'm grieving the loss of an old and dear friend while he's still here and part of my life. It's a weird situation

And the hardest part is I know how this will end if it plays full out.

But for now I just have to keep him healthy, happy and safe. My life where he is concerned is a continual pivot, my sister described it tonight as it being like walking on ice in the wrong shoes. I can control some of the factors but not all of them. And there's always the well meaning old friend, who doesn't know or hasn't worked it out, who could unknowingly put my friend in danger. Today I caught one old friend offering to charge the battery on one of my friends cars for him. He still has the keys for that particular car and I hadn't worried about it because I knew the battery was dead and I don't want to take all is keys... not yet... too much has already been taken from him. 

Little by little all the pieces of him will be stripped away, we need to try to hold onto as much as we can for as long as we can.

It's all been a bit of a learning curve working out what to say and what not to say. Not to challenge thoughts as they come up. It always passes, some reoccur and you get more creative with each time. It's never no, rather I'll look into it or we'll have to work that out. I learn as I go and hopefully no longterm damage is done.

I'm in the process of organising help, we've been approved for home care. It's just a matter of getting the right services in place. So for now I'll continue to pivot and hopefully at some point I'll feel like I'm wearing the right shoes for the ice!

photo by Intricate Explorer on Unsplash

On Being Mindful

I wrote this post in 2013 and I've just realised that it was still sitting in my drafts. So in the spirit of all or nothing I'm now giving you my 3rd post of the day. I thought it time that this one finally has it's moment in the sun. I've mostly healed my anxiety now it just rears its head in moments of extreme stress. But for those who aren't quite there yet this one is for you ❤️

I first heard the term mindfulness a couple of years ago when my friend Jane sent me a book by comedian Ruby Wax. The timing was interesting as I'd just finished a 10 week online course in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy thru Mindspot. Ruby's book 'Sane New World' helps us understand "why we sabotage our sanity, how our brains work and how we can rewire our thinking-often thru simple mindfulness techniques"

It's a humorous journey thru her own experiences and offers some interesting insights and helpful mindfulness based cognitive behavioral techniques to overcome anxiety.

Like many people I thought mindfulness was about Buddhism, but it actually ties in beautifully with cognitive behavioral therapy 

In my own journey my light bulb moment after a lifetime of panic attacks was a counselors simple explanation of the cycle of a panic attack on a white board. I'd seen it and read it before but it didn't click. It must have been the way it was worded or that at that moment I was open to hear it, but something gelled. Those few words gave me the ability to take control. Once I became consciously aware of what was happening I had the ability to recognize the  start of the cycle and change the outcome. I'd struggled for years yet that one moment changed everything. I still experience  anxiety in varying degrees but the run for the hills, I'm a screaming mess, kind of attacks are mostly a distant memory. Mindfulness is fabulous in teaching us how to do this.


There is so much in Ruby's book that anyone who has experienced anxiety can relate to. For a taste of what's in it check out her TED talk below

 

Ruby Wax TED talk 2012

Mindfulness can be practiced easily in everyday life, it's not just the breathing exercises we imagine it to be. My own mindfulness practice can be found in drawing, being creative in the kitchen and pottering in my garden. It's those moments when I am fully present in my task. I'm a doodler and my patterns and mandalas are very much a meditation. I find traditional meditation tedious if it's longer than 10 minutes but doodling I can do for hours.

 


Useful resources within Australia :

Mindspot

ADAVIC
Beyond Blue

**Mindspot is an Australian organistion available to Australian residents. If you live outside of Australia please contact the Mental Health Services in your location for assistance. ADAVIC and Beyond Blue both have some useful online resources that may be of assistance if you are outside of Australia** 

The Blueprint

 

The Freedom Blueprint

What is it? It's a 4 module education course that teaches Affiliate Marketing and with so many companies choosing to go down this path to market their products there's never been a better time to learn how it all works.

The course was created by Kim Reid and Carlee Modra, 2 amazing ladies with extensive experience in the affiliate and network marketing space.

The course also offers the opportunity to become an affiliate and earn a very generous 60% on all affiliate referrals. And 20% on referrals from your affiliates. 

Whether you simply want to learn how to affiliate market your own business or earn an income promoting other peoples products this course is for you.

And compared to other courses this one has an affordable entry fee. 

This is a genuine side hustle that you can do this along side your job, network marketing business etc. If you are time poor and need to increase your income this one is for you. In only 5 hours a week you could be earning a residual income.

We're still in prelaunch and a prelaunch discount of $100 applies. Once it's launched the price will go up.

I jumped on board early because this one was a complete no brainer.  

Click the link to learn more TheFreedom Blueprint

As this is an affiliate program if you click the link and choose to join I will earn an affiliate payment from your purchase.

Clarity

All those amazing plans I had for 2022..... well they didn't happen! I studied digital marketing, I tried to open the t-shirt shop on several different platforms but nothing happened. I quite simply got stuck, I got anxious and I ran out of $$

But I did get to spend lots of time with Miss Charlie, helped a dear friend and spent more time with my parents and my sister. 

The other thing that 2022 brought me was Clarity.

I discovered what I want to do with the digital marketing.... it's not an agency, well not for now any way

I found a course to help me with the t-shirt shop that's still in the plan

I found an affiliate marketing course that I will also be able to earn an affiliate income from and I'll write a separate post about that as I'm launching into that space this week, like now, I have my links and I'm ready to go

My big moment of clarity was when I realised that my North Star was working with dogs. Body work, essential oils, raw feeding. I have a whole business plan. All the other stuff just falls in and around it. 

And I keep finding moments of affirmation. So right now I'm working on creating the time to make this all happen. I just need to follow the plan. And while I do Miss Charlie is still by my side 😊

Taking a Leap of Faith into 2022

2022 is almost upon us and I'm spending the last remaining days of the year planning and implementing for what will be a 'New' year in a way unlike any other year. I'll be starting the year out of paid employment. There's been some government decisions of late in regards to mandates and I'm not playing.... I'd much rather forge my own path.

So I'm using this as a catalyst to take a leap of faith and launch into self employment. I've had so many ideas for so long now but have simply lacked the time to implement them because I was spending my time and mental energy making money for someone else.

I've wanted to work from home for a while now particularly as Charlie is getting older. There's no guarantees how long she'll be with me so I want to make the most of our time.

Once I knew what was happening I spent a fair bit of time getting clear about what it is I want to do and after I wrote it all down opportunities started presenting themselves. The universe continues to drop things in. I knew that my new world would be in the online space and I was presented with the means to drive that for myself and others. One of the things that dropped in was a Digital Marketing Certification Course. From the moment I started investigating it I could see how what I would learn would be the engine that would drive everything I was planning. I was excited to be accepted to the Digital Marketing School as it is Australian based and run by amazing mentors who have built massive businesses and are genuinely determined to see their students succeed. It's really refreshing and a pleasure to be a part of. 

I'm spending my time being positively focused on where I'm going. I could sit here in fear and self doubt but that wouldn't serve me. So in my downtime I'm studying, planning and being very clear about what it is I'm going to do.

At this point in time I'm planning on creating multiple streams of income. I'll be launching a digital marketing and virtual assistant agency in the next couple of weeks. I also have a T-shirt business underway. And it's time to step up my Oil game and get my doTerra Biz moving along. My Nutrition certification also fits into the picture...... It seems a lot but some of the things I'm planning will after a bit of initial work be passive income earners.

Tonight has been goal setting with income targets and launch dates attached. I'm so excited for January 1 as there is so much to do and so many beautiful possibilites. Charlie is going to be a very happy girl to have her mum around more. And she hopefully wont feel the need to lie on my Mac book to get my attention!!

I'll keep you posted....

Love Lib and Charlie xxx

A Journey from Mainstream to Alternative

 

This is Miss Charlie, so far she's been 14 times around the sun. I made the choice early in her life to raise her naturally as possible. And by that I mean a raw species appropriate diet, minimal chemical and vaccine exposure. Thru this journey I may have become what some people may say is a bit of a hippy. I wasn't always this way, it's been a slow evolution over my lifetime that was somewhat accelerated in the last 15 years. 

For a certain portion my life I was a meat eating, junk food consumer who smoked, drank moderately everyday and had no issue using household chemicals and weed sprays. What changed? Well these two fur children who went over the rainbow bridge before their time.

Meet Bobo and Mollie, mum and daughter, they both passed away as the result of liver disease. Mollie left first at 3 yrs 8 months old and then Bobo 2 years later 11 years 4 months. I was told after Mollie passed that lightening wouldn't strike twice  and that Bobo wasn't at risk. The vets were horribly wrong and lightening not only struck twice but 3 times in the same family. And this where my path drew me away from conventional veterinarians and on a journey towards health both in my own and my fur childs life.

When Mollie was diagnosed with liver disease in June 2005 I went on a quest for the best way to support her and I found an ebook called "Hope For Healing" It was written by a lady with first hand experience of canine liver disease and focused on healing thru diet. I purchased, downloaded and showed Mollies Vets. They read it and then told me they didn't think much of the nutritional approach as they were 'men of science'!! My first thought was well isn't nutrition the original science, aren't plants the inspirations for many medicines. Somewhat perplexed I incorporated a mix of the 2 worlds. Had I been living in the city I would have taken her straight to a naturopath, but I was stuck with what I had in my regional town and Mollie went into liver failure a few months later in September and we gave her her wings a couple of days later on September 17th 2005

Within the next 12 months I was concerned about Bobo, she showed some elevated liver enzymes on a blood test and I was told it was nothing of concern. on a further test a locum vet tested her for Addisons and it came up negative. I was then assured again that it was impossible she'd have liver disease as well. How wrong they were! I still remember the day in August 2007 when I took her to the vet after I noticed her urine was brown. On looking at her urine sample the vets faced turned a shade of grey I hadn't seen on a human before. I took her to a specialist in the city but she never came home. Bobo got her wings on 7th September 2007.  

Both girls had surgical procedures within the months before their liver disease was diagnosed. Neither had a blood test to check their liver enzymes prior to their anaesthetics. A simple blood test could have prevented the dire situations we ended up in. around the time I lost Bo it had become standard practice to test liver enzymes prior to giving anaesthetics but unfortunately my vet had't caught up on this yet.

After losing these two I no longer trusted mainstream Vets. It's taken 14 years for me to find one that I can work with but we'll get there in a minute.

And then there was Ruby, she was Mollies sister. Mollie chose me and Ruby chose my sister. Just before I lost Bobo we'd found a naturopathic vet in our town, Dr Catherine. Bobo saw her once before she passed away. And my sister started taking Ruby to her. Just after Bobo passed we tested Ruby's blood and her liver enzymes were elevated. Strike 3! fortunately we caught her early enough and with the help of Dr Catherine and beautiful care from my sister she lived another 7 years and passed away at 13 1/2.

Charlie came into my life a month after I lost Bobo. And after taking her to the vets for her puppy vaccines I soon realised that I couldn't go down the conventional path any more. I decided that she'd have her first heat before she was spayed and that I would titre test her rather than vaccinate annually. So I started taking her to Dr Catherine just after her 1st Birthday. From then I mixed Dr Catherines  guidance with a whole lot of research and here we are today. 

Based on what I'd been thru with Bobo and Mollie, I decided to raw feed, reduce toxins and not vaccinate. her first few vaccination Titres were on the higher end of the scale and at the point where Charlie let saw Dr Catherine at about 4 years old she was still covered by her original vaccinations. I recently had her Titres checked again and they haven't changed she's still fully covered and still hasn't had a vaccine since her last puppy shot. 

The decision to allow her first heat before spaying, proved to be a wise choice, I'm fairly sure it was at the suggestion of Dr Catherine, and it turns out that there has been research since that indicates that although spaying early reduces the risk of mammary cancer it also increases the risk of other cancers. Allowing sexual maturity only minimally raises the mammary cancer risk but significantly reduces the risk of other cancers. When you start researching there's a whole world of information that your vet either isn't taught or simply doesn't have the time to find.

We've recently found an amazing conventional Vet who is open to my ideas and hasn't shamed me for my hippy ways. Charlie currently has an issue with high parathyroid hormone levels and we're working together to solve the issues that come from that. Charlie has Hyper Calcemia as a result of the elevated parathyroid hormone. Parathyroid hormone is meant to increase when the body needs more calcium released into the blood. Calcium isn't just for bones, it also played a part in heart and nervous system processes, but when the levels are unnecessarily high it can damage the kidneys. So we've got her on diuretics to move the excess out and I'm trying to find how this all started. Let's just say I've learnt a lot about the parathyroid lately, but the condition is rare in dogs so there's not a lot of info out there. But at least we now have a Vet who is willing to discuss and consider what I find. 

The path from mainstream to alternative has also been reflected in my own health journey. In taking notice of nutrition for Charlie I also stated to take notice of how I was taking care of myself and new information literally kept falling in my lap. I kept finding ads for health summits, books to read and in more recent times podcasts. I became fascinated with immune health and inflammation.  And what I've learned for me applies back to Charlie. Not everything is the same but the principle of maintaining immune health and minimising inflammation are the same. And now I'm studying Human Nutrition, the information just kind of bounces back and forth between the 2 legged and 4 legged worlds. 

It's such an amazing path to be on and I'm honing in on where I want to take it. With the way the world is at the moment and what we've all been thru since March 2020 it's apparent that it's now more important than ever to find something to do that lights you up. 

I'm finding more and more every day that I want to be marching to the beat of my own drum and be home with Charlie. I'm not guaranteed how much longer I'll have her, I'm planning on at least another 5 years, and judging by the way she bosses me around and how otherwise healthy she is I'm hoping I'm right. But for now she's welcome to hog the bed every night for as long as she wants ❤️

Love always 

 

Lib and Charlie xxx